Monday Musings #4–A Brief, Hopefully Entertaining, Rant

Like so many other Armchair Forteans, I enjoy a handful of YouTube channels, and will often play something from one of the creepier ones when it’s getting towards bedtime. You know the ones I mean–the channels that narrate ‘True Scary Stories of the ______________.” At their best, these stories and their slightly ominous storytellers evoke a nice sense of uneasy dread as they spin their tales of possession, Ouija boards, black-eyed kids, stalkers, and psycho-killers. (Qu’est-ce que c’est).

However, too often these channels are not at their best, because of one simple thing–story logic. Now, I hear you saying to me, “but AF, these are just spooky stories! They don’t have to make sense in any kind of real-world way!” While I agree with you in principle, the fact remains that any and all effective stories adhere to their own, internal logic. As insane and trippy as The X-Files or Stranger Things can get, they still hew close to the established rules of their universe. That’s what makes them effective and allows us to suspend our disbelief, immersing ourselves into that world.

Too often, when I’m listening to one of these YouTube channels (some are better than others, and I’m not going to name names…I don’t have it in for anyone, I’d just like to see them improve), they’ll read part of a ‘true story’ that’s so ridiculously implausible that it kicks the listener out of their suspended disbelief and directly into ‘well, that’s just a load of ____” territory.

For example, the Domino’s driver delivering to a secluded farmhouse out on a country road, far from town, where he or she is menaced by some cannibalistic farmer running out of the house with a machete. First things first–Domino’s doesn’t deliver outside of city limits, even in small towns. Right there, I’m done. Or that same delivery driver being called into a darkened home through a partially opened door, where they’re lured up the stairs where evil pizza lovers looking for murder await. No. Just. No.

These ‘true’ stories play like Z-Grade horror films where everyone’s actions have absolutely zero grounding in actual human behavior. They come to the line between implausible and stupid and enthusiastically leap across, thinking that the listener is dumb enough to follow them.

But here’s the thing–I want these channels to succeed. In our ever-changing, fast-paced world, we need these campfire stories more than ever, because stories reflect who we are as a society, and these tales of the macabre help us place our own lives into some sort of context.

Here’s my suggestion to these bards of YouTube–edit the stories. Rewrite them, make them stay true to their own logic. Don’t ignore human behavior. Do a little research once in awhile. Your listeners (including me, in my best armchair) will thank you for it. Believe me.